i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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