I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize