Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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