I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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