Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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