my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
