My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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