I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
