every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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