i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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