Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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