The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
