i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
