Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
