I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
