In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My cat gives me a boner
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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