I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
