Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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