Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
