I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
