Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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