I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
