Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
