I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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