I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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