I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
