this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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