3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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