addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
