just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
