If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
