i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
