so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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