i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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