I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
