Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
