You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
