Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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