Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
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I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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