whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
