She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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