She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
