thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
