1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
