he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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