I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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