my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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