I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
