Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
