Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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