you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
