That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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