I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
