I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
