I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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