So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
