New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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