I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
