Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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