Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
