I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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